Today suddenly I am failing to hold myself from getting dragged into those moments of past which once upon a time were exactly as I wanted to be! Doesn't matter, he is not with me now but I have his memories with me for the whole life to cherish...
I was starring outside the window while sitting on the rotating chair in office and thinking about today, exactly how it was 2 years back! I had planned enough surprises and gifts for him for the whole day so that he can feel special on his birthday, but in turn he forgot to offer me that one chocolate which otherwise he served to the whole office. Weird but that's how he was- unintended disappointments and not good at maintaining the tiny gestures of the relationship. I suddenly rushed to the washroom and cried for a while and the moment I come out, he was right there standing on the other side of the door, waiting for me. My tears of sadness did not take a second to change to tears of happiness when he apologized with his innocent face and more innocent smile saying "sorry Mitzy!" and his magic was done!
Today is the same day, but destiny chose different time and place for us. I don't know where he is, what he is doing and how is he doing but one thing is for sure, my heart has still not been able to get rid of his memories. Since morning I have been looking into that archived chat which I haven't deleted since 2 years. Somethings are not there with you, but the effect and power of the feelings stay as fresh as yesterday! As much as insane, I couldn't stop thinking about how to wish him and as you know the fear of heart always overrules the mind but this time I chose to listen to my mind (even though heart and emotions were overpowering and managing the whole situation in the mind was beyond my control).
Periodically I was opening his chat window which showed the last ping from 16 months back. My heart was a fool who wanted to see him online and "typing...." even though I knew the reality was far more head of the imaginations my mind could create in its own bubble and find out ways to hurt self.
I opened a Youtube window and started playing "Radhe Krishna ki jodi alokik...." which was our mutual favorite Krishan bhajan. I was so helpless that I couldn't wish him because of many fears- would I even get his reply, would he be even thinking about me, would he be even missing or remembering the same day 2 yrs back and thinking of me? All these thoughts has occupied my mind so much that I was left with no option than taking my pain out on a piece of paper where pen became the weapon to win against the emotional heart.
I had moved on, in my life but the only constant was his memories which were still intact and preserved in some corner of my heart. There comes days when I break and burst but there even comes days when I cherish this pain as it was for life and I had accepted the bitter reality. God has his own plans and you cant win. With all the faith and belief in God, I had surrendered my life in God's safe hands!
You only know you love him when you let him go.....
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